Summer, work, & managing two:
Posted on | August 18, 2014 | 2 Comments
Right now: a myriad of complaints
Posted on | January 16, 2014 | 2 Comments
- January has been hard, my friends. This week especially.
- We've been totally knocked down on our butts with the flu. As soon as one of us feels better, another one feels worse. I guess it's best we're not all at our worst simultaneously.
- We're probably at our lowest point financially in years, if not ever. Just in time for the flu take us out of work a week, of course. Hoping for a change of some sort, and soon.
- We've depleted my home made elderberry syrup, but just as that ran out a friend stopped over with fresh bone broth. Ahhh, feels so good & there is nothing sweeter than thoughtful people.
- I'm trying to focus on names for this sweet babe, and we're only three months away from his/her due date. Any good suggestions, friends? Second time around seems much harder (especially agreeing on one with b).
- I'm craving time outside.
- We're looking into downsizing our home in the next year or so. Very bitter sweet as I imagined our children growing up on this property, but it's just too much.
- I'm so extraordinarily grateful Hazel seems to be fighting this flu so well. She's had two bad days, one of which was yesterday, but after thirteen hours of sleep last night she's a new woman. It's especially scary after there's been a recent death of a 5 year old boy in our community from the flu just two weeks ago.
- I'm still embracing through all of this. Baby C has been kicking like crazy and doing well through all of this, and for that I am so grateful.
Chapters
Posted on | April 28, 2013 | 2 Comments
Quotable & Poetry Tuesday:
Posted on | February 26, 2013 | 1 Comment
It feels so odd re-living old notebooks from my early to late teens, but I am enjoying it at times. There are parts of me that are still a part of that girl, but a larger part of me that is this woman with so much more purpose, drive, and love in my life. My teens were spent feeling a bit out of place and I was a bit of an 'old soul' compared to my peers. Below is a poem I wrote in 2002'ish.
open
life is
At first this got me feeling a bit defensive that yes life is only about love. I am so full with all the love in my life! But next it got me thinking that I am still this person with my own interests, passions, and an indelible past worth remembering. Sometimes I forget that I am more than a mother. Even writing that feels funny.
But being a mother & a unique person can coexist, right? My dear b has been telling me this for months but I couldn't see. I guess it takes a sixteen year old April to let it sink in.
I think one of these days I'll leave the man & girl home to photograph the sunset and as I drive home I'll blast my favorite band on full volume. I may think of dear h a majority of the time, but I will look back & appreciate this time to cultivate my passions. Because life is about me too, every once in a while.
Other mommas - how do you keep the balance of motherhood & feeding your own passions?
Lost and found
Posted on | January 20, 2013 | 1 Comment
I've been indulging in old poetry to help me explore my emotions. I had notebooks full of old poems, and even an online diary that I wrote in through my late teens/early 20's (write me for the password, if so inclined). I have books filled with favorite poets that inundate my hope chest. Some people don't get it.
...
I think I'll start posting old/new poetry of mine & other poets to satiate this need of mine. Poetry Tuesday - what do you think?
Unconditional parenting
Posted on | January 15, 2013 | 3 Comments
"In short, with each of the thousand-and-one problems that present themselves in family life, our choice is between controlling and teaching, between creating an atmosphere of distrust and one of trust, between setting an example of power and helping children learn responsibility, between quick-fix parenting and the kind that's focused on long-term goals."
Ps: Thank you for all of the sweet words in regards Haley's passing. Every single comment meant so much to us!
Back woes
Posted on | October 28, 2012 | 4 Comments
Needing a change
Posted on | September 11, 2012 | 4 Comments
I'm feeling a bit lost for words as of late. Life is precious and wonderful yet complicated at the same time with busy work schedules, rare family time, low energy, & teething. Aggravating all of this is a back injury I sustained at work two weeks ago during a rather intense and downright wacky delivery (please mammas - don't use your caregivers as your personal jungle gym while giving birth unless invited). I'm having to watch my every move, limit my time picking up Hazel (which I hate!), and am the source of gossip between a select few on my unit. High school never ends, I suppose.
Our four year anniversary is September 13th, and we're hoping to go to the mountains or ocean to celebrate. I'm craving nature and time with my family so much, and this is coming just in time.
What do you to help heal in times of injury, or revitalize in times of low energy? I'd love suggestions!
Changing personas
Posted on | August 19, 2012 | 4 Comments
The other night I received a text message. It started out asking, 'did you know you post a photo of Hazel almost every day? Seriously?' It continued to say that she can't have babies (news to me, and quite unbelievable) and it asked how I would feel (ps: she knows the years of infertility I went through). About a half an hour later it stated 'it seems like you have morphed into a psycho obsessive mother, but whatever, peace out.' I didn't receive any of these until the next morning, and when I did, I was aghast. I replied to her that I'm sorry she can't have babies, and that I did go through three years of infertility yet never said such mean and hateful things to my friends that were starting families. I was always happy for them, even through the pain. It hurt me to the core to know my happiness made her feel such anger.
You see, I don't know if it's me or them, but things have changed. Members of my family with their blame and there sadness, a few friends that don't quite understand me anymore. I've slowly figured out that these people that have separated themselves from me, they are all unhappy in one way or another. The above mentioned 'friend' got a divorce two years ago and moved off to Alaska with a boy she barely knows. Others have similar stories. And me? I've changed, of course. I'm in a pretty constant state of happiness, mixed with only a bit of mama bear paranoia (hah). I'm so fulfilled. My life does not belong to only me anymore.
And I find myself thinking, was I ever this mean? I certainly went through sadness, and jealousy, but I'd like to think hatred wasn't such an integral a part of me. Next my thoughts move to what do I do? My first instinct is to remove these people from my life completely. My above friend wrote a very cold text apology 24 hours later, and then phoned the next day with a slightly more sincere apology via voicemail blaming it on alcohol. I haven't replied to either, I simply don't know what to say and quite honestly don't want to say anything at all. Yet I feel bad about this. I want to be there for others in pain, but not if they only want to bring me down.
So tell me, have you lost friends or family members post-baby or post-any change in life? Do you have any relationships you struggle with, yet fight to keep? I'd love to hear some stories or advice.
Be present
Posted on | June 18, 2012 | 6 Comments
I sat down last week and started a post on being present. I wrote a short paragraph and something happened, perhaps the baby whined or B called, I can't quite remember anymore.
You see, I'm having a hard time balancing motherhood, being a good wife, daughter, employee, and also following my own interests (such as, ahem, blogging). Both my husband and myself grew up in slightly dysfunctional families, and getting together with them lately has brought our spirits down. I feel horrible about this, and it only makes me feel stronger about being present in Hazel's life, something which neither B or I truly had consistently while growing up.
What's left of my energy is put into my career, my home/animals, and then finally me. I usually have an hour or two at night after Hazel goes to sleep in which I can catch up on house work, bills, care for the animals and myself of course. Most nights I regret staying up a little later when H wakes up at 7 am (after a lovely 3-5:30 wake up - rare but twice this week she's done this, think due to teething). B often gets up with her since I nurse her a few times throughout the night (thank you!). My garden this year is alive but not something to brag about, and my plan to exercise daily has succeeded one day in the last two weeks (unless you count bouncing around a teething baby - talk about biceps!).
I feel as if I've rambled off topic. I suppose my main point and/or question is how to be present in the lives of your child, spouse, and home and still leaving energy for yourself?
I truly hope this post doesn't come off as complaining; I am the happiest I've ever been in my life, hands down. There truly isn't a minute that goes by without me feeling so grateful to be blessed with a healthy child and loving husband. I just want to be there for them, and take care of myself along the way.
Ideas? Or is this simply the initiation into motherhood?
Water buffalo:
Posted on | January 14, 2012 | 6 Comments
― Ina May Gaskin, Ina May's Guide to Childbirth
Gratitude Sunday
Posted on | October 16, 2011 | 2 Comments
- The realization that our animals truly do love us & one soul in particular they haven't met yet. This comes at a time where I've been innately frustrated with pet ownership and the oncoming changes in our life.
- The market in autumn - grapes, squash, pumpkins, oh my! (pictures to come!)
- Quiet times at home with just the animals and a bouncing belly - something I have learned to appreciate despite my unusual quirk of not enjoying alone time.
- A bouncing belly, of course. I often catch myself staring and smiling at my stomach multiple times a day.
- The rediscovery of yoga at such a pivotal time in my life. The instructor is simply wonderful and stresses the mind/body connection while helping moms connect with the spirit of their baby.
- Yard work completed by my hubby, b. There's nothing better than a fresh cut and cleared lawn, even in the fall!
- The colors beginning to change, just a bit more every day.
- Autumn decorations - something I just love to get out!
- The fact we're 25 weeks on Wednesday - a very important time in a babies gestation and lungs. It's surreal this barely two pound baby could have a chance of surviving if she were born this week (now baby, you stay in regardless!).
- A job that I often take for granted. Being a part of so many women's births is something I often take for granted and even find myself a bit cynical about at times when women don't plan or put importance on their birth experience. I'm learning to respect all women's birth decisions, even those I don't agree with. They are all beautiful.
- My lovely husband arriving home this afternoon. He looks rejuvenated, albeit ready for a nap.
- Getting out in nature, hiking is always so soul refreshing.
On appreciating
Posted on | August 16, 2011 | 5 Comments
Excuse the blogging holiday, my friends. I have been busy working and living, finding less time to get to the computer these days. But alas, I will provide you with a short and sweet update.
Right now, I am:
Preparing for a road trip to Glacier National Park in the morning. And by preparing I mean sitting in here having a midnight snack while the lovely and oh so talented b packs the car.
Feeling the babe wiggle. For reals. It's been occasionally since 13 weeks, but now at 16 weeks tomorrow she (or he!) is making it a hourly habit. Have I mentioned we are in LOVE? Every single day feels like a miracle.
Reminiscing about the births I've seen this past week. Beautiful, strong mommas that prepared for their births and delivered beautiful babies. It makes the job worth it.
Thinking I should go pack a bag, seeing that we leave in 8 hours (sleep included in there somewhere).
Appreciating my chickens. We're getting about 4-5 eggs a day, and I am loving the daily task of egg collecting and discovering their personalities.
Grateful that a frightening episode of spotting my entire fourteenth week has resolved. After many worries and tears, all is well & it was simply old blood from the other sac.
Grateful for a supportive, amazing husband that can deal with my ever changing emotional state.
Thinking my bed is calling my name. After all, it is the last night I will sleep on a comfortable mattress in a week.
Sleep tight, friends. xo.
Blessed
Posted on | May 31, 2011 | 3 Comments
Tick, tock.
Posted on | May 14, 2011 | 2 Comments
And let me tell you, we're ready.
Seasons
Posted on | February 23, 2011 | 2 Comments
I was going to write a post on how our GPS almost made us famous last weekend. Turning right on a logging road in winter just because "tomtom tells us to" is not good, depiste the husbands reassurance. But to be concise, good ol' fashioned maps saved the day. Technology, you lose.
Next I thought I'd write about how the cat I grew up with, Milo, died two days ago. My mother called me bawling, saying "the only man that was ever there for me" passed. Two days before that she was almost fired for telling two women off (using many f words) because they made fun of a mentally challenged woman. Fair, right? Sigh.
Maybe you'd be interested in the baby chicks we bought a mere two and a half weeks ago. They have feathers. Lots and lots of feathers - on their bums, wings, necks. A miniature dinosaur of sorts. We even adopted one more (an accident, the local grange is too convincing). On the plus side, she'll lay blue and green eggs!
I know you'd like to come this summer simply for a blue egg omelette and veggies from the garden. Don't deny it.
It's snowing. Fat, wet flakes. That's odd in western Oregon, my friends.
Finally I'd like to point out that May is coming. I can't quite believe it. My mind hasn't decided whether to be elated or scared shitless. I think it's a combination of both. My own personal baby steps in these next couple of months involves positive thinking, healthy choices, and faith. The glass half empty April is getting the boot.
To end this collaboration of thoughts, I leave you with our neighbors. They seem to fit my mood as of late, sleepy; in hibernation before the new season.
February, so far we're friends
Posted on | February 10, 2011 | 3 Comments
It's been a good week.
We camped along the North Umpqua river over the weekend, reading by fire light and discussing constellations beneathe the nights sky. I spent an entire day hiking with the mutts, exploring three waterfalls and miles of trails. The turqoise river was enough to teach even urban folk reverence for nature.
B and I started a pretty intense workout regimen last week - P90x. I'm sure you've heard of it. Despite every muscle in my body aching I'm loving the endorphins. Only 83 more days to go...
Today was lovely. I receieved a phone call this morning offering me the evening shift position at work to which I eagerly accepted. They have to fill my position first so it may be a month or two... but there is an end in sight! The rest of the day was a kenpo workout and then a float down the river on our driftboat. I read a book while B fly fished. And now I am in the middle of writing this post admist perfecting the art of hard boiled eggs for a spinach salad, white wine in hand.
Now that's livin'.
How was your week?
On losing my OCD
Posted on | January 19, 2011 | 2 Comments
Lately I've been sleeping. Sleeping a lot. I try and convince myself that my body is taking advantage of it's childless years, but now I'm pretty sure that I'm just plain lazy. Every morning I set out a plan to run, but it's raining. Or my tooth hurts. Or I had a long night at work. And let's not forget the fact that my sports bra is just a wee bit tight. There is always an excuse, indeed.
Our to the brim laundry basket handle broke the other day and all I did was cringe my brows, silently blaming it's faultiness on age. Our beautiful hardwood floors have wafts of yellow hair on them and I simply take note. Who needs to vacuum when an hour later I go to work, letting the shed cycle begin yet again? It's vicious I tell you. This laziness is not me. My OCD mother = me. So what gives? I say it's mid-winter blues. Or the ache of my missing husband on our opposite-shift work week. Or perhaps my barren uterus. But it can't be pure laziness, can it?
Ideas to fix this welcome below.
Ps: I think the real culprit to my incessant sleepiness is what I woke up to this morning (and promtly slept an hour longer):
On decisions made:
Posted on | January 15, 2011 | No Comments
Lost woman song
Posted on | December 16, 2010 | 1 Comment
I've been spending the past couple of months coming to terms with it all. For some reason it's difficult for me to accept that I will always be the girl who hates mornings and can kick anyone's butt playing super nintendo. I will continue take a coffee shop and good book over shopping, any day. I am a perpetual glass-half-empty person. I wish I were a musician or poet, too often finding my career unfulfilling. I have a mother who works paycheck to paycheck and has a nervous breakdown when someone takes a shit in her bathroom (for reals). My family refuses to talk to one another for no perceptible reason. What's hard to accept I don't know. It feels odd that even after moving 2000 + miles from home I (and they) are still the same - women lost. It's not that I expected or even wanted to change, yet I thought it natural. But here I am, still sleeping in and drinking coffee.
Let me know if any of this makes sense.
- April
- I am a RN & natural momma in the Pacific Northwest, married to a beautiful man I adore. Nature is my niche, animals get me. I read and I write, I hike and I love photography. Welcomed our daughter Hazel Annan earthside in February 2012 after three years of infertility & our second miracle daughter Juniper Louise in April 2014.
