Today we had an ultrasound, 9 weeks 2 days along.  The doctor was very quiet when the ultrasound began - the kind of silence you simply know isn't good.  I've been in the position, the inability to find a heartbeat on a mother.  It's painful for all involved.  But this time, I was on the receiving end.  Our twins never developed past 8 weeks, despite hearing and seeing there heartbeats a mere two weeks ago.

But here's the catch.  And it's a beautiful catch. 

As we painstakingly stared at the screen, another sac became evident with what appeared to be movement inside.  The sneaky bean inside was beautiful, measuring 9 weeks exactly, wiggling like crazy and waving it's arm and legs around.  We were originally pregnant with triplets, and it was missed at our last ultrasound.  Holy cow.  The twins were sharing the same placenta and sac (very rare and very risky for momma and baby), and the singleton had it's own sac and own placenta.  

I'm trying to tell myself this is the universe's way of telling me carrying twins (er, triplets) was too risky for my small frame.  I can transfer care to midwives instead of high risk OB's, & I have the chance of an unmedicated vaginal birth (mono-mono twins are automatic c-section).   My baby will more than likely be born at term and spend no time in the NICU, as previously thought (mono-mono twins again, are born at typically 34 weeks - 6 weeks early).  Triplets typically only go to 30-33 weeks.  It wasn't meant to be.  Right?

But tell me, is it natural to feel an overwhelming loss?  We have accepted and eagerly looked forward to the idea of twins over the last two weeks - & it was snatched up in mere seconds.  I not only have this sadness over the loss of two lives, but anxiety over what our next ultrasound may entail.  Yet there is a feeling of relief, which then turns into guilt over the relief. 

In the end, I continue to feel overwhelmingly blessed.  This sneaky baby decided to spare us from the stress of anticipating triplets two weeks ago, and gave us the surprise and joy of a lifetime in a time of such sadness.  She's our miracle baby, and she's been with us all along.

7 Responses to “ Never trust an ultrasound: ”

1. 
   Melanie Routhier
   July 1, 2011 at 9:34 PM

   Oh my.
   
   If there is one thing that this whole infertility journey has taught me, it's that you can experience both pain and joy, sadness and love and guilt along with relief.
   
   My heart is with you on both your loses and this new found life.

2. 
   trish
   July 3, 2011 at 1:04 AM

   Gosh, life is never straight forward is it!
   Of course it is very normal to feel loss, sadness, relief, guilt and joy, all those emotions.
   Sending you all much love and blessings.
   Bless that miracle baby.

3. 
   Taryn Kae Wilson
   July 4, 2011 at 3:59 PM

   No guilt over the relief. It was meant to be like you said.
   After I read your post that you were having twins, I was surprised because I kept feeling you were going to have one. I think it's amazing that this baby was hiding and now has now made itself known. I have a feeling this baby of yours has a very strong spirit!
   I am sorry for your feeling of loss and sadness, and grateful for the gift of this baby and being able to plan for a birth more like what you are wanting.
   I appreciate how honest you are. You are such a beautiful soul.
   
   Hugs!

4. 
   Mama Forestdweller
   July 4, 2011 at 9:24 PM

   oh, this brings tears to my eyes, of every emotion you described! yes, it's natural to feel all those things - i'm new here and i can feel them just from reading your heartfelt words.
   
   take care and blessings to you ~
   
   ~ another pacific northwest mama :)

5. 
   April
   July 6, 2011 at 12:46 AM

   Thank you for ALL of your kind words - you are all so sweet. Xo, April

6. 
   this.is.katie
   July 7, 2011 at 8:11 AM

   Miracle baby!! She is adorable and I just know this was meant to be for you and Brad.
   
   I feel sad for the loss of the twins (as I think we were ALL excited hehe) but in reality... for the best.
   
   Things always have a way of working themselves out. This is something I can say for sure.
   
   Love you

7. 
   Heidi
   July 10, 2011 at 10:55 PM

   Hello, i just discovered your blog via Taryn's blog and wanted to say hello. Sorry for the loss of your twins. What a miracle that there was a third baby in there! I am sending blessings to you and wishing you the best from here on.
   I am also pregnant, 8 weeks today. It has been very difficult because I have a condition called Hyperemesis which is all day every day vomiting. Not fun at all, I even had to hit the ER for i.v. fluids. This pregnancy thing is not easy and so very often out of our control. All we can do is ride with it and pray for the best.
   Your blog is beautiful and I would love to visit again. I am also a Oregon mama. Many Blessings to you!

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