To birth a soul, Juniper edition
Posted on | May 21, 2014 | 1 Comment
I've been meaning to write down Juniper's birth story for a month now, not wanting to forget a single detail. I wrote down Hazel's birth story just a few weeks after her birth, and I still love reading it (& it appears to be one of my most read posts of this blog). So although I didn't get on it as quick as last time (hello, toddler and newborn!), here it is. I hope you enjoy - sorry, it's a long one! ;)
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Our culture is so trained to think of pregnancy and birth as a condition, something to be frightened of and controlled with medicine. Working with laboring women for the past 7 years, I've always found it interesting how differently women handle pain, especially from culture to culture. For example, a good majority of the hispanic women I see do not use pain medicine, and often smile and are quiet and polite up until the end. She'll then have a neighbor who is writhing & screaming in pain, begging for an epidural or even a cesarean at 3 cm. Why have we lost faith in our bodies ability to do the one thing it was meant to do? Television, movies, and even our best friends horrid birth stories have done this to us. If only we trained our minds to think of pregnancy & birth as a positive, joyful experience, can you imagine? I believe we can control our childbirth to a certain degree - Ina May and Hpnobabies taught me that last time, without a doubt. My first labor was quick & so incredibly self-empowering, and my goal was to make this second labor the same if not better. So I studied hypnobabies again, and also focused a bit more on eating a highly nutritious diet & getting more exercise than my first time around. Now let's get to the story.
To start this story off, a bit of history: our due date (or 'guess date' as hypnobabies refers to it) was April 17th, 2014. Throughout the last month of my pregnancy I had quite a bit of braxton hicks and felt as if the baby was going to come earlier than last time - Hazel arrived on our exact due date. At 38 weeks I was already effaced and 3 cm dilated, so I felt even more confident labor may come early. I stopped working at 39 weeks so as to enjoy a few remaining days with Hazel. The days came and went, and I felt pretty great. I stayed super active with hiking and swimming, and I enjoyed some family time I'll never forget. I was, however, a bit more impatient then I was with Hazel. I believe my impatience was mostly revolved around the uncertainty of when labor would happen and how we would arrange childcare for Hazel while we were at the birth center - multiple friends had volunteered but nothing was set in stone, as some friends could do nights and some couldn't, etc. Seeing that my first labor was only 6 hours long, I also was a bit nervous my second would go too quick. But I made it a priority to listen to my hypnobabies everyday, and listen to a 'fear clearing session' if I started to worry about all the what-if's regarding when it was going to happen.
I had an appointment with the midwife the day before we were due. She stripped my membranes, and I felt confident that may get something going. Later that evening we had people over for dinner, and I felt fine (albeit slightly disappointed that I felt so fine, haha). The next day was a Thursday, my official due date. It was a rainy day, and we decided to go to the pool so Hazel could swim & I could do laps. I swam for about an hour, which felt amazing and really seemed to help keep baby in a good position for birth (occiput anterior). I received quite a few comments at the pool, mostly "WHOA I can't believe you're swimming!" types of comments. Later that evening we had dinner as a family, and I noticed some regular pressure waves starting around 6 pm. By about 7 pm, they were getting stronger & closer together, so I went upstairs to shower and listen to my 'early birthing time' hypnobabies track. My waves at this point felt much like they did in early labor with Hazel, so I felt confident enough to text my midwife and tell our friends to come over in case this progressed. I put Hazel to bed - I still remember smiling & breathing through contractions while reading her bedtime stories - a memory I will always be fond of.
The night went on and by 10 pm I was feeling a bit discouraged. The contractions were still about every 3-5 minutes, but they were at the same intensity as they had been for the last few hours - still more intense than braxton hicks, but not the intensity of progressing labor I remembered from last time. Still, I continued listening to my birth tracks and using the ball. By about midnight I realized the contractions were still intense, but slowing to every 5-10 minutes. I was nervous to lay down as I didn't want to stop them completely, but my body was so incredibly exhausted so I decided listening to it was the best option. Also, hypnobabies stresses resting during your early birthing time - all the excitement of it finally happening hadn't allowed me to do that. Throughout the night I awoke every 20-30 minutes with a very strong wave, but then I'd drift back to sleep. I texted my midwife at 6 am (who unfortunately slept on her couch waiting all night, oops!) telling her things had slowed down & I was going to focus on resting for the time being. I also felt bad that we had had our friends stay the night at our house for Hazel, only to have nothing happen.
B brought me breakfast in the morning and then I slept for a few hours. He then brought Hazel to the river while I slept, as it was a beautiful day. My wonderful friend and fellow hypnomama texted me to see how I was doing later that morning. I told her I was okay. I broke down & told her I was discouraged and nervous, as this weird prodromal labor didn't happen the first time around. I verbalized some fears I hadn't let surface - was the baby too big, or in a bad position for birth, causing these go-nowhere contractions? Is Hazel going to be okay seeing me in labor, will she worry about me when she's gone? My friend simply listened and reassured me. She also encouraged me to do one final 'fear clearing session' on my hypnobabies cd, focus again on positioning of baby, and rest, rest, rest. After we talked I got online and looked up some spinning babies techniques (check out the website - I highly recommend!). Hazel and Brad then came home, and I asked to put Hazel down for a nap as I had felt bad I was away from her all morning. We snuggled and read books, and after she fell asleep I tried the 'forward leaning inversion' spinning babies technique. It basically creates more room in the lower uterine segment & can really help if the baby is malpositioned. After finishing that, I went to my room and listened to a fear-clearing session then took a nap (yes, another one haha - I was up half the night!).
I woke up nearly 3 hours later - gotta love the rare long toddler nap - and felt so much better, with much more energy. Brad asked what I felt like doing, and I told him I wanted to get outside and enjoy the sunshine and maybe get a little exercise. We decided to go on a little hike just down the road from us, a nice little trek along a canal and some farm fields. Driving to the destination (it was about 4 pm) I noticed that my pressure waves seemed to be coming back with the same intensity as the night before, about 5 minutes apart. B noticed this and asked if I was sure we should be hiking, and I told him of course and that I felt good! On our walk I was having to stop every few minutes to breathe and focus through each wave. I remember this fondly, as Hazel kept asking me "whatcha doing momma?" and I responded with "trying to get the baby to come out and meet us" Hazel cheerfully responded by singing her favorite Beatles lyrics - "good daaaaaay sunshine ... baby come out!" That song will forever make me smile and giggle inside.
On the way home from our walk we called our friend who had stayed the night before, as he was fishing on the river right by our house. We told him that it may be the real deal again, and that maybe he should come join us for dinner. We had taco night planned, and B was missing a key ingredient so I told him to run in the store while Hazel and I stayed in the car. We sang more 'good day sunshine' while daddy was shopping, and at one point an old woman came up to the car with a concerned look on her face, as she saw me close my eyes with hold my belly through a wave. A smiled at her, and she walked away slightly confused looking.
We got home a little after 5 pm, and I decided to text my midwife. She responded with encouragement and excitement, and told me to keep her updated. She said she'd be at the birth center when we're ready. Our friend Justin arrived (his poor wife had a migraine) at about 5:30, and by 6 we were eating. I had a few bites of taco, but the waves were very close together and I was at the point where I was needing to use the birth ball and be on hands and knees, as most of the pressure was in my back (same as with Hazel's labor). Hazel then asked about cookies. You see, we had been reading a book about when baby will come by Dr. Sears to Hazel, and there's a page where the big sis makes cookies with the person who is watching her. I'll never forget B helping set up the kitchen for cookie making and running back and forth between the kitchen and me (in the living room), as I at this point - 6:30 pm - was needing him to push on my hips to help relieve pressure. The cookies somehow melted together on the baking sheet, and turned into more of a cookie melt. I think the boys must've been nervous, haha.
7 pm came, and the waves seemed to be getting consistently stronger. Brad took me aside and said he thought we should leave. You see, one of my goals this time around was to arrive at the birth center earlier than I did with Hazel. Despite how great my first labor was, it was still a very intense experience going through transition in the car and arriving to the birth center at nearly 10 cm. I agreed, and we helped get Hazel set up with a bath and told the sitter of her bedtime routine. She blew us kisses, glad to have her uncle Justin to herself, and we were off by about 7:30.
The 25 minute car ride there was oddly enough a very peaceful experience for me. I got in the back seat and leaned forward into the front seat, closing my eyes with the pressure waves. I also decided to take out my hypnobabies tracks again, and this immediately calmed me & made the waves so much less intense. In between I would open my eyes and chat with Brad - he seemed a bit surprised by how normal and calm I was. The sun was beginning to set, and the light was so perfect as we drove along the Mckenzie River.
We arrived to the birth center a bit before 8 pm, and our midwife met us in the parking lot. We walked back to the same room Hazel was born in and I was immediately calmed - the memories of having her there came flooding back. In the windowsill was a vase (with a pink bow, by chance!) filled with flowers my sweet midwife picked around the birth center grounds while waiting for us to arrive - the smell of lilacs filled the room, always a favorite of mine. We chatted with my midwife about how I was feeling, and she asked if I wanted to be checked. I declined and we decided to fill up the birth tub, something I wanted to do last time but we had no time. I got in the tub and absolutely loved how amazing the warm water felt. About 15 minutes into being in the tub I noticed a slight increased rectal pressure with each pressure wave, and I hesitently asked to be checked as we were trying to decide when the nurse should come in. I told my midwife I was nervous to be checked, as I felt so calm and great so I was worried I wasn't dilated very far (we were laughing and sharing stories in between waves). My midwife asked what I hoped that I was - and I replied "6 or 7, but I doubt it" ... she then checked me, and I was 7 cm! Brad and I were delighted!
We next put a hypnobabies cd on in the room, and got a hold of my friend/fellow nurse/hypnobaby instructor Krystle. She agreed to come in for our birth instead of the on call nurse, which made me so excited and grateful, as I knew she'd be an amazing presence for me. I stayed in the tub for at least another half an hour, and my rock of a husband got in the tub with me to push on my hips with each wave, and keep me upbeat and laughing in between waves. Eventually our friend/nurse showed up, and she immediately started using some of the hypnobabies techniques to keep me even more calm with each wave - putting a hand on my shoulder, or my forehead. I hadn't reminded Brad to do these things, as I didn't think I'd need them - but holy cow, did they help! It was amazing how deeply I relaxed when she did this, and how amazing and normal I still felt between waves.
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| Taken in the tub, just found out we were 7 cm! |
I'm guessing on the times now, but by about 9 pm I was feeling like the tub wasn't what my body needed at that time. We discussed options and I opted to try the walk in shower down the hall with a birth ball to sit on or use for different positions. All of us then walked into the shower room, and I remember giggling at the fact none of them seemed phased by the water that kept spraying them by accident. Brad at this point got totally soaked, as I used him to lean on with waves, and I was so amazed with how confident and amazingly supportive he was. We listened to the heart beat multiple times, and it was so strong & perfect which again gave me a boost of strength and excitement to continue. The baby also was so incredibly active though out my entire labor with constant kicks and hiccups - it was so reassuring, I never once worried about her well being. I stayed in the shower for probably at least 20-25 minutes, and I soon noticed increased bloody show. Shortly after this I started having quite a strong urge to push, and even pushing involuntarily during the peak of a wave. My midwife asked if I wanted to stay in the shower, or move back to the birth room, and I decided to warm up and move to the birth room.
We got in the birth room & the urge to push was even stronger. I got on the bed on all fours (how I delivered Hazel), and we put the ball on the bed so I could lean my upper body on it. At this point I was very internal with contractions, yet still surprised how calm I felt between waves. My husband snapped a few photos of me during this time - and I will forever cherish them. I was truly enjoying my labor, and you can see it in my face.
The urge to push continued, and I asked the midwife to check me as I felt something was holding me back from pushing despite so much pressure. She checked, and I was 9.5 cm. I grunted through a few contractions, and my water suddenly broke which was a surprisingly good feeling, followed by a MUCH stronger urge to push. It was probably 9:45 at this point, if I had to guess. We put on my 'pushing baby out' hypnobabies CD (again, didn't get to that last time), and I began pushing while on all fours sitting upright on my knees.
I pushed like this for 15 minutes or so, and as the baby came down I started to feel a bit overwhelmed by it all, the pressure was so intense. Looking back, it's funny that pushing was the most intense part of labor for me, as it was actually one of the easiest parts of labor with Hazel. A little after 10 pm I felt like I needed to immediately move to a better pushing position, and I ended up standing at the side of the bed with one leg up on a stool. Soon after moving to this position, I felt the baby begin to crown - something I actually didn't feel last time. This was intense but short lived, as she came out wailing with one final push. My midwife and husband both 'caught' the baby, and the first view I saw was of her privates while I happily yelled "it's another girl!" They handed her to me from behind, and I quickly got on the bed. Below are some of the photos snapped within the first few minutes after birth. My friend Krystle took these without me even asking, I will forever cherish them. Juniper Louise arrived at 10:10 pm. I was honestly very surprised she was a girl - I think I had it in my mind she was a boy because I was bigger this time around. Little did I know she was just a bigger little lady!
Our recovery at the birth center was quick and easy. My midwifes partner showed up about an hour after the birth with corned beef and whiskey, which we found SO thoughtful and sweet (and also funny, as it was sort of an inside joke as B had had a dream that my midwifes partner - who is also our friend - was his 'dudela' providing cured meats and whiskey during labor). We got a new nurse for the last few hours of our recovery - the actual on call nurse - so my friend could go home and sleep. Juniper was skin to skin and nursing like a champ for the first couple of hours, and we then weighed and measured her when she was ready. She was 8 lb 8 oz and 20 inches long - compare that to Hazel's 6 lb 14 oz and 19 inch long frame - the intense pushing/crowning part now made sense, haha! Pushing, however, was only half the time.
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| Flash didn't work here but I love Brad's face when we found out she was 8'8! |
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| Recognize this shot, from hazel's birth? |
We headed home shortly before 4 am after a catnap at the birth center, and once home our friend that watched Hazel met us at the door to congratulate us and meet baby Junie. I went to bed around 5 am and rested with Juniper for a few hours. Little sis came in after breakfast at about 8 am and was absolutely ecstatic, immediately saying how much she loves her. We snapped some photos of their first meeting - it was truly awesome.
So there it is, folks. Did you make it to the end? Reflecting on this birth I feel so blessed and lucky to have had such an amazing experience. I can truly say I enjoyed labor and birth, I want to tell everyone about it so they can feel the same way! I'm eternally grateful for my hypnobabies training and most importantly my rock Brad, my empowering and supportive midwife, and my wonderful friend and rockstar of a nurse/doula - I couldn't have asked for a better birth team.
Waiting:
Posted on | April 12, 2014 | 3 Comments
April has been amazing thus far. The weather has been fantastic, some days up to mid 70's, and it's keeping my impatience at bay. We've had bonfires, grill outs, early easter celebration, and some fantastic hikes! I'm sorry Michigan, but it makes me miss you even less.
B brought Hazel fishing the other evening after we had a picnic. It was so special to witness, and she had absolutely no fear and even gave the fish a kiss before releasing it.
On the pregnancy front, I'm feel somewhere between absolutely loving these last days of pregnancy and loathing them, as I cannot wait to meet this new little love. I've had a lot more braxton hicks this time around, and for weeks I've had a feeling that he or she is coming early. I'm only 5 days away from my due date as of today, so perhaps my gut is wrong? I cannot believe it's almost here. After spending years trying with Hazel, her pregnancy seemed longer in a sense. This baby just continues to surprise me (so perhaps it's a girl, as I've been guessing boy?). Either way, raspberry leaf tea and EPO are my friend right now. In Hazel's words - "baby come OUT!"
Hopefully the next update will be a sweet picture of the new addition. Wishing you all a blessed weekend!
Word of 2014: Embrace
Posted on | January 4, 2014 | 4 Comments
So I've been thinking about this resolution thing. It's seemed daunting and silly to make resolutions when so much will be changing this year: namely, adding a sweet soul to our family. Of course I'm not going to lose weight (well, likely after April I will), start an exercise regime, or devote myself to a new craft, hobby, or bountiful garden. And then I focused on what I'd like to change right now to make our lives better, bring more joy. I came up with embracing the moment.
Embrace: my 2014 word, I guess you could say.
You see, the last month or two I've gotten self conscious about this pregnancy, my body, and my capability to care for two babes. I'm bigger than I was with Hazel (actually I weigh less, but my belly is larger, however that happens?). I've already had people ask if I'm due soon, if it's twins, etc... when will people ever learn? I remember with Hazel I embraced every inch I grew, even the stretch marks on my thighs, as it meant I was growing a strong healthy babe. This time I just feel tired, sore, & fat. Yes I said it, the horrible word I never want my daughter to hear or feel - fat. My infertile self of 2008-2011 is upset, actually angry that I am being vain & whiny about being pregnant. Not everyone gets this chance, we were so close to not getting it at one point in our life. I remember it like yesterday. My husband reminded me of this the other day when I was bitching about his father telling me I'm "much bigger than last time." It shut me up immediately, and infertile April smirked while applauding B.
So here it goes, embrace. I will embrace this growing body of mine, the sore back & the pounds gained as this is likely my last pregnancy. I will embrace two babies, give all the love I have but not fret if I'm not perfect. I will embrace my marriage, appreciating my man who is so lovely and also so supportive of our parenting style and my birth choices. I will embrace Hazel's current stage and stop worrying if she's talking enough, not potty trained, etc. I will embrace snuggling in bed with her knowing it'll be the last time it's only us for the next few months. I will embrace reading 'everyone poops' for the gazzillionth time, but also laugh if she pees all over the carpet, because someday she'll close that bathroom door and not need my help. I want to get excited for this birth, and focus my time on this baby in my belly so I can prepare and feel ready. Embrace, embrace, embrace.
So as my first step to embracing, I will share my first and second trimester's with all of you in the photos below.
Whew, how time flies. I hope all of you had a wonderful new years, and that you found a simple word or resolution to bring more joy into your life this year.
A story about fertility
Posted on | September 23, 2013 | 4 Comments
It all started with a feeling. I was driving home from work one afternoon & I felt like I needed to buy a pregnancy test. I was due to start my period any day, but my usual spotting before period was nowhere to be seen. I briefly thought perhaps I was pregnant, but my old friend infertility said "hah - like that's possible!" I still bought a test, and a dressed too young old lady with a smokers cough announced to all of Walgreens that I was pregnant. No joke. Really, not joking.
I got home and B's dad had just arrived from Washington. I briefly said hello and ran upstairs to empty my mid-afternoon diluted bladder. I convinced myself to take the test, if only to ease my mind about drinking at the winery we were planning on visiting the next day. I saw the faintest + sign, and truly thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. I then panicked a bit about when to tell B, considering his dad was downstairs and they were going fishing.
Later that afternoon B's dad must've been unpacking, so I took advantage of the situation and had Hazel run over to him with the test. I was worried he'd be panicked re how close in age they'll be, but instead he just smiled and beamed. I'll never forget that smile & his excitement.
The next day the line was darker, and it continued to get darker all week. I probably took a half dozen tests over the course of 2-3 weeks, in complete disbelief dear B and I could naturally procreate. The early weeks were pretty easy - very mild nausea, hunger like you would't believe, exhausted, but otherwise very similar to my first trimester with Hazel (easy!).
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| Already showing her thoughts on being a 'bis sis' |
The next day, 9/10/13, I saw our little sprout on ultrasound. We saw a flickering heartbeat, and a wiggling little body. I'm a bit embarrassed in hindsight that I needed such reassurance, but I am who I am. Struggling through infertility, and a previous loss of twins at 8 weeks, it does something to you.
We've since had our first official midwife appointment, and I've also heard babies heartbeat via doppler a few times. I swear I'm starting to feel little flutters already this week as well, which is unreal & lovely all at once. I'm also suddenly looking VERY pregnant, like 4-5 months (I'm 10.5 weeks). I've heard people say you show about a month early with subsequent pregnancies, but sheesh! My abs have forgotten their purpose, indeed. Tell me fellow mommas - did you show way earlier with your second? The photo below is me tonight - although I do sort of look as if I'm arching my back, & I've got the end of the day bloat (dang you progesterone!). A morning shot wouldn't be so big.
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| Tonight, end of the day at 10 1/2 weeks, yikes! |
Naturally conceiving after infertility is funny. You spend years cursing women who get pregnant easily (not really, but kind of), spend thousands of dollars to finally conceive, then worry about subsequent pregnancies after the first is over. Remember this post? Yeah, I wrote it the same week we conceived this little one (ha, ha!). Infertility apparently didn't want to fight me this time - it was a quick & painless win on my behalf. Was it my better diet, focusing on organic whole foods & healthy fats? Perhaps. Did I relax more? You bet. I'm so full of excitement, relief, and happiness at the win. But a part of me feels guilt at my sudden fertility. I know quite a few people who are in deep with infertility right now, & my heart aches for them. But they'll win at some point, too. I know it.
We're due April 19, 2014. Here's to a healthy 30 more weeks!
And now for some slightly unbelievable & wonderful news:
Posted on | September 10, 2013 | 5 Comments
Someone has been full of emotion lately!
She's been a little bit silly,
while other days dramatic.
Most days are happy,
especially when we share good news with her!
News like this...
She's going to be the best big sister!
or at least let's hope... :)
Story to come soon.
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Ps: Those who friend me on facebook or instagram, the cat will be in the bag another month or so, shhh please and thank you!
On #2
Posted on | July 21, 2013 | 2 Comments
It seems as if the question of the summer has been, "so when is baby #2 coming?" Our good friends that had a baby the same week Hazel was born just had their 2nd last week, while other friends are planning more kids soon as well.
There's days where it seems like a good idea. I loved every second of being pregnant. I embraced everything, even the weight gain and round ligament pain. It was a miracle, truly. I also loved birth and look forward to experiencing that again. I also feel as if having a sibling for Hazel is very important, and I know she'll be an amazing big sister.
Then there's days where it seems crazy. I love giving my full attention to H, being able to pack up & go, to still take adventures just as a family of three. I've finally got my old body back (sort of, haha), not to mention libido. And sleep - oh dear sleep - I'm finally getting to know her again. Then there's the whole idea of convincing B...
Regardless of what we want, I keep forgetting that I don't have a say in this.
Infertility does.
I used to follow a blog of a infertile woman who underwent IVF twice and finally conceived, giving birth to a beautiful boy. About a year later she wrote that she still considered herself an infertile. I remember feeling angry at that - like it's some club only those of us currently in it can understand - and how dare a woman who has experienced pregnancy call herself infertile!
But I get it now.
The occasional annoyance I feel at women complaining about pregnancy or when they express silly vain fears of becoming pregnant is creeping up. I think, please people - enjoy that fact your body can get pregnant - there are SO many lovely amazing families out there that would give anything for that chance. Two of my friends underwent IVF in the last year, both of which failed. My heart breaks every time I see them, I cannot imagine being in that place, in their shoes. It's too heartbreaking to even think of.
Then there's the occasional jealously I feel at pregnancy announcements (something that used to bring me to tears circa 2009-2011). There's a lot more joy I feel for them, too, now that I've experienced it. But still, in the back of my mind I think 'my body can't do that.' It's this failure you can never really get over.
My body did end up succeeding, but with a lot of help. Once my body actually became pregnant, it loved pregnancy! It's odd for me to think Hazel wouldn't be here if it wasn't for modern medicine (especially considering my non western medicine approach to many things in our lives). Not a day goes by that I don't feel unmeassurable gratitude for those who helped us succeed in our dream of becoming parents. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
But still, there's that looming not so good friend of mine called infertility. I didn't miss her. I tried not to think about her. But she's back, albeit just a whisper at this point. Perhaps we will be the supposedly common story of infertiles turned fertile, but I'm not holding my breath. I just don't think she'll win when we finally decide to fight her again.
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I hope to not offend anyone out there, whether or not your infertile or the cough-and-get-pregnant type. If you're experiencing infertility please reach out - to me, to local support groups, to friends, family. It is a silent disease, so many feel they have to stay hush hush about but staying silent only hurts more. If you're the opposite of infertile - I don't want to imply that you take pregnancy for granted - I'm only suggesting to those of you who do tend to complain and/or dislike pregnancy that you try and simply appreciate the miracle your body has made, and be sensitive to those who may be silently hurting. The one thing some complain about is what another couple would give anything for.
- April
- I am a RN & natural momma in the Pacific Northwest, married to a beautiful man I adore. Nature is my niche, animals get me. I read and I write, I hike and I love photography. Welcomed our daughter Hazel Annan earthside in February 2012 after three years of infertility & our second miracle daughter Juniper Louise in April 2014.
