A letter: Baby C, before we meet you

Posted on | April 4, 2014 | 2 Comments

Sweet little soul,

I've carried a tradition of writing to your sister before she was even conceived and throughout her life (see the tag 'letter' below) so I'd like to continue this with you.  There's nothing I love more than reading over her letters & seeing how quickly and much she's grown.  I know it'll go just as quick with you.

It's hard to believe we get to meet you in 2 weeks, give or take!  There's something so different about not knowing your gender this time around, as we found out at 16 weeks with your big sister.  My gut sort of says you're a boy, but I think it's only because we've had a boy name picked out longer.  Hazel tells me that you're her brother, and she tells daddy that you're her sister.  Grandma thinks you're a girl, and your Aunt Jamie thinks you're a boy.  Dad still hasn't made a guess... he's a practical guy and says 50/50.  I bet he's right, haha!


This pregnancy has been very similar, but oh so different at the same time.  Your big sisters pregnancy was full of fear after years of infertility.  On the flip side, you came so easily, an early August wonderful surprise.  Your sister was with me when I took the test on a whim - your dad downstairs visiting with your granddad who had just arrived.  I kept in quiet in front of granddad, as it was very hard to believe!  Your pregnancy has gone very quickly in comparison to the first - chasing a toddler around will do that. It's amazing how much less sleep and relaxation I've gotten this pregnancy, yet I still feel pretty great.  I'm guessing you'll be bigger than Hazel was - she was a mere 6 lb 14 oz - but this time you just feel a bit bigger than you sister was at 37 weeks.  People have asked if you're twins, breech, etc... and the odd comments just keep coming.  If this pregnancy has taught me anything it's what to say (and NOT to say) to a pregnant woman.  For future reference the only thing that's allowed is "you're carrying beautifully" ... :)


Speaking of beautiful, I'm trying to enjoy these last few weeks of being pregnant as it's most likely that last time.  I'm so eager to meet you but at the same time I realize I have the rest of my life to get to know you, and that we'll never be as physically close as we are now.  A friend of mine just had a miscarriage this week, and the raw emotion of loss and infertility came back to me, again making me realize how incredibly blessed I am to have conceived again (this time without assistance).  There is no greater bond than carrying a child, and I am thankful for you and my body.  Too many people take that for granted.


You kick a lot when your sister is loud, and your awake time is in the late evening.  Despite being a maternity nurse for 7 years I still have the hardest time figuring out which body part of yours is sticking out - you always kick back when I touch you, a sweet game I adore.  Hazel loves to touch you, but just as quickly will cover up my belly and say "bye bye" - a habit that can't continue once you're here, haha!  I think you kick and move a lot more than your sister did.  Hazel also loves to call you 'April' and 'Purple' ... yesterday she called you 'Taco' in remembrance of me spilling a burrito all over you the day before (she often tells me I'm a "mess" while pointing at my belly).  She also loves to kiss you good night before naps and bedtime, always making sure daddy does too.


I've been having a lot of practice waves recently, and I feel as if you've already dropped.  I am very excited for your birth - I envision a morning/afternoon birth, home in time for spending the evening with your big sis.  Obviously I know may not happen, but I'm doing hypnobabies again and try to visualize your birth often.  I think it'll be quick, and maybe even a little early.  We'll soon see - I'm happy with anything as long as you're healthy.


I love you already my sweet baby, see you very soon!

Momma

A Letter: 25 months (2 years old!)

Posted on | March 26, 2014 | 2 Comments

My sweet baby Hazel,

I can't help but still call you my baby, despite you turning 2 last month!  Oh how time has flown, I honestly can't believe it.  In the last 6 months since I've written a letter to you you've grown in leaps and bounds, and had so many fun experiences.  You went to Italy (and France) in October, making it a total of 17 planes you've been on since birth.  You did seriously amazing on all six of the flights back and forth, two flights that were 12 hours in length.  Let's hope your sibling is as relaxed and easy as you've been!

Speaking of siblings, you will be a big sister in one month!  We don't know if your baby is a girl or a boy yet, but you more often than not say 'brother' (although you call him 'April' - since we are due in April, a hard concept I know).  You love to read books about being a big sister and taking care of babies, and you still kiss my belly every night.  You've been telling me lately that my belly is "biiiiiiig!" ... that's very true, my dear.

Your language has exploded since about a month before your birthday.  You went from preferring sign language to using full sentences in a matter of weeks, even if your dad and I are the only ones that can tell what your saying half the time.  You love to tell us to "get up, get out!" in regards in getting up in the morning, you say "it happens" all the time in relation to missing the potty or getting hurt.  One hilarious thing that you said recently is - "I took a dump. It stinks. Don't touch it..." I still don't really know where you learned the word 'dump' although I can guess your daddy?  ;) You also have full blown conversations with your various stuffed animals, and like to talk to grandma on the phone.


Since we're on the potty subject, I'm proud to say you're pretty much potty trained!  You still miss a poop here or there, but your great about telling us immediately when that happens.  It completely surprised me as you pretty much independently did it the week before your birthday, and have continued since even through a couple of illnesses.  Way to go, girl!

You recently a fish you named 'Daryl' - where you came up with that name, I'll never know.  You also call the baby Taco, and Purple (in addition to April, as I said above).


You also got your own big girl bed for christmas, and have been doing great sleeping in it with occasional hiccups during illness.  Last week we moved your toddler bed into your own room after keeping it next to our bed for a couple months, and so far you seem to be enjoying having your own space but you still occasionally cry and call for us at night.  That's okay, I'm always here for you ... just maybe cut us some slack and sleep through the night in the next couple months, okay? ;)  Trust me, you don't want to be in our room with a crying and hungry newborn every 2-3 hours - take advantage of that, haha!



You also weaned about a month ago, another independent choice. I was starting to think you'd want to nurse this entire pregnancy and beyond, and I was even open to tandem nursing if you needed it.  But once again you surprised us and peacefully weaned just after your 2nd birthday.  I think there was one time that you whined for just a minute about not getting it, but otherwise you decline and tell me they're for baby.  I have such amazing memories of our nursing experience together, and am so proud to say that you nursed for as long as you did, as I know it'll effect your lifelong physical and mental health.

I'm starting to notice a resemblance in us - I recently put together a picture of me at age 2, and you just a few weeks ago.  We both have sort of a 'stink face' as I like to call it, it makes me giggle.   You have the best expressions!


Some of your favorite toys these days is a stuffed purple monkey you aptly named 'purple ah,' anything pooh bear related, your easel, and books books books!  I swear you could read books with me for hours, paying such close attention to each one.  You continue to love all our animals, being fond especially to the chickens and cats as of late despite the fact they almost always run away from you.  Your birthday party was Pooh Bear themed and you had the time of your life!  You still talk about your birthday and ask when it's coming again.  You also love to hike, climb, swim, paint, color, and basically anything outdoors!

Word of 2014: Embrace

Posted on | January 4, 2014 | 4 Comments

So I've been thinking about this resolution thing.  It's seemed daunting and silly to make resolutions when so much will be changing this year: namely, adding a sweet soul to our family.  Of course I'm not going to lose weight (well, likely after April I will), start an exercise regime, or devote myself to a new craft, hobby, or bountiful garden.  And then I focused on what I'd like to change right now to make our lives better, bring more joy.  I came up with embracing the moment.

Embrace: my 2014 word, I guess you could say.

You see, the last month or two I've gotten self conscious about this pregnancy, my body, and my capability to care for two babes.  I'm bigger than I was with Hazel (actually I weigh less, but my belly is larger, however that happens?).  I've already had people ask if I'm due soon, if it's twins, etc... when will people ever learn?  I remember with Hazel I embraced every inch I grew, even the stretch marks on my thighs, as it meant I was growing a strong healthy babe.  This time I just feel tired, sore, & fat.  Yes I said it, the horrible word I never want my daughter to hear or feel - fat.  My infertile self of 2008-2011 is upset, actually angry that I am being vain & whiny about being pregnant.  Not everyone gets this chance, we were so close to not getting it at one point in our life.  I remember it like yesterday.  My husband reminded me of this the other day when I was bitching about his father telling me I'm "much bigger than last time."  It shut me up immediately, and infertile April smirked while applauding B.

So here it goes, embrace.  I will embrace this growing body of mine, the sore back & the pounds gained as this is likely my last pregnancy.  I will embrace two babies, give all the love I have but not fret if I'm not perfect.  I will embrace my marriage, appreciating my man who is so lovely and also so supportive of our parenting style and my birth choices.  I will embrace Hazel's current stage and stop worrying if she's talking enough, not potty trained, etc.  I will embrace snuggling in bed with her knowing it'll be the last time it's only us for the next few months.  I will embrace reading 'everyone poops' for the gazzillionth time, but also laugh if she pees all over the carpet, because someday she'll close that bathroom door and not need my help.  I want to get excited for this birth, and focus my time on this baby in my belly so I can prepare and feel ready.  Embrace, embrace, embrace.

So as my first step to embracing, I will share my first and second trimester's with all of you in the photos below.

A story about fertility

Posted on | September 23, 2013 | 4 Comments

It all started with a feeling.  I was driving home from work one afternoon & I felt like I needed to buy a pregnancy test. I was due to start my period any day, but my usual spotting before period was nowhere to be seen.  I briefly thought perhaps I was pregnant, but my old friend infertility said "hah - like that's possible!"  I still bought a test, and a dressed too young old lady with a smokers cough announced to all of Walgreens that I was pregnant.  No joke.  Really, not joking.

I got home and B's dad had just arrived from Washington.  I briefly said hello and ran upstairs to empty my mid-afternoon diluted bladder.  I convinced myself to take the test, if only to ease my mind about drinking at the winery we were planning on visiting the next day.  I saw the faintest + sign, and truly thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.  I then panicked a bit about when to tell B, considering his dad was downstairs and they were going fishing.

Later that afternoon B's dad must've been unpacking, so I took advantage of the situation and had Hazel run over to him with the test.  I was worried he'd be panicked re how close in age they'll be, but instead he just smiled and beamed.  I'll never forget that smile & his excitement.

The next day the line was darker, and it continued to get darker all week.  I probably took a half dozen tests over the course of 2-3 weeks, in complete disbelief dear B and I could naturally procreate.  The early weeks were pretty easy - very mild nausea, hunger like you would't believe, exhausted, but otherwise very similar to my first trimester with Hazel (easy!).

Already showing her thoughts on being a 'bis sis'

Then week 8 hit, and this cloud of anxiety hit me.  I suddenly thought I wasn't pregnant, doubting my bodies ability to harbor this child.  Our first pregnancy was constantly ultrasounds, lab work, and reassurance.  This time I had no proof, other than a + test (or 6...).  My midwife appointment wasn't for another two weeks, which seemed like an eternity.  One night at about 8.5 weeks the midwife that delivered Hazel texted me to ask how I was feeling.  I opened up and told her I was feeling anxious, doubtful, and slightly less symptoms as of late.  She told me to come in to the birth center the next day, and we'd check things out if only to ease my mind.

The next day, 9/10/13, I saw our little sprout on ultrasound.  We saw a flickering heartbeat, and a wiggling little body.  I'm a bit embarrassed in hindsight that I needed such reassurance, but I am who I am.  Struggling through infertility, and a previous loss of twins at 8 weeks, it does something to you.


We've since had our first official midwife appointment, and I've also heard babies heartbeat via doppler a few times.  I swear I'm starting to feel little flutters already this week as well, which is unreal & lovely all at once.  I'm also suddenly looking VERY pregnant, like 4-5 months (I'm 10.5 weeks).  I've heard people say you show about a month early with subsequent pregnancies, but sheesh!  My abs have forgotten their purpose, indeed.  Tell me fellow mommas - did you show way earlier with your second?  The photo below is me tonight - although I do sort of look as if I'm arching my back, & I've got the end of the day bloat (dang you progesterone!).  A morning shot wouldn't be so big.

Tonight, end of the day at 10 1/2 weeks, yikes!

We still haven't announced our pregnancy to the general public, which is getting harder with this new found baby bump.  We told our families at about 9 weeks with the picture in my first announcement post on here, which was hilarious and cute.  I think we'll wait until about 14+ weeks to make it official to work, facebook, etc - we'll be in Italy from 11.5-14 weeks so that'll help keep things hidden.

Naturally conceiving after infertility is funny.  You spend years cursing women who get pregnant easily (not really, but kind of), spend thousands of dollars to finally conceive, then worry about subsequent pregnancies after the first is over.  Remember this post?  Yeah, I wrote it the same week we conceived this little one (ha, ha!).  Infertility apparently didn't want to fight me this time - it was a quick & painless win on my behalf.  Was it my better diet, focusing on organic whole foods & healthy fats?  Perhaps.  Did I relax more?  You bet.  I'm so full of excitement, relief, and happiness at the win. But a part of me feels guilt at my sudden fertility.  I know quite a few people who are in deep with infertility right now, & my heart aches for them.  But they'll win at some point, too.  I know it.

We're due April 19, 2014.  Here's to a healthy 30 more weeks!

Flashback Friday: November 2011

Posted on | November 16, 2012 | 3 Comments

This moment: belly & baby unite

Posted on | June 29, 2012 | 2 Comments

This moment: a last peak

Posted on | January 27, 2012 | 6 Comments

This moment: 9 months!

Posted on | January 6, 2012 | 5 Comments

December 18

Posted on | December 18, 2011 | 5 Comments

December 7

Posted on | December 7, 2011 | 3 Comments

December photo project: day 1

Posted on | December 1, 2011 | 3 Comments

Oregon bliss

Posted on | November 22, 2011 | 2 Comments

This moment:

Posted on | November 11, 2011 | 3 Comments

::Today::

Posted on | October 13, 2011 | 4 Comments

Today, I am