Emerging from a shadow

Posted on | August 11, 2010 | 2 Comments

I read this yesterday while perusing the web at work last night.  It's about the anonymous epidemic of infertility and the silence and shame couples endure.  And here's the question I have - when is it time to come out of the infertile closet, letting go of the stigma, the embarrassment?

See, I've been feeling out of sorts lately.  I'm walking this wire, teetering between hiding and divulging too much.  Talking to fertile, child-bearing, people is the worst (every effin' one of my coworkers).  One woman at work the other day told me that I "must be pregnant!" because I was complaining of gas.  And my family, just don't get me started.  Every time I mention the taboo infertility to my mother she throws blame at my anxiety and my actions.   "You should relax, wear baggy pants, and take algae pills, Apey," so she says.  So now I have turned silent, and I really just want to punch them all. 

Quoting this article: It is chronic and elusive, there’s a fear that life will be eternally empty. Some feel a sense of damage and brokenness; it goes to the heart of who they are.

And that's where I'm at, in a nutshell.  We have a plan laid out until November; and this month I already fear may have failed.  But after Thanksgiving I don't know where we will be.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm scared.

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