A story about fertility

Posted on | September 23, 2013 | 4 Comments

It all started with a feeling.  I was driving home from work one afternoon & I felt like I needed to buy a pregnancy test. I was due to start my period any day, but my usual spotting before period was nowhere to be seen.  I briefly thought perhaps I was pregnant, but my old friend infertility said "hah - like that's possible!"  I still bought a test, and a dressed too young old lady with a smokers cough announced to all of Walgreens that I was pregnant.  No joke.  Really, not joking.

I got home and B's dad had just arrived from Washington.  I briefly said hello and ran upstairs to empty my mid-afternoon diluted bladder.  I convinced myself to take the test, if only to ease my mind about drinking at the winery we were planning on visiting the next day.  I saw the faintest + sign, and truly thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.  I then panicked a bit about when to tell B, considering his dad was downstairs and they were going fishing.

Later that afternoon B's dad must've been unpacking, so I took advantage of the situation and had Hazel run over to him with the test.  I was worried he'd be panicked re how close in age they'll be, but instead he just smiled and beamed.  I'll never forget that smile & his excitement.

The next day the line was darker, and it continued to get darker all week.  I probably took a half dozen tests over the course of 2-3 weeks, in complete disbelief dear B and I could naturally procreate.  The early weeks were pretty easy - very mild nausea, hunger like you would't believe, exhausted, but otherwise very similar to my first trimester with Hazel (easy!).

Already showing her thoughts on being a 'bis sis'

Then week 8 hit, and this cloud of anxiety hit me.  I suddenly thought I wasn't pregnant, doubting my bodies ability to harbor this child.  Our first pregnancy was constantly ultrasounds, lab work, and reassurance.  This time I had no proof, other than a + test (or 6...).  My midwife appointment wasn't for another two weeks, which seemed like an eternity.  One night at about 8.5 weeks the midwife that delivered Hazel texted me to ask how I was feeling.  I opened up and told her I was feeling anxious, doubtful, and slightly less symptoms as of late.  She told me to come in to the birth center the next day, and we'd check things out if only to ease my mind.

The next day, 9/10/13, I saw our little sprout on ultrasound.  We saw a flickering heartbeat, and a wiggling little body.  I'm a bit embarrassed in hindsight that I needed such reassurance, but I am who I am.  Struggling through infertility, and a previous loss of twins at 8 weeks, it does something to you.


We've since had our first official midwife appointment, and I've also heard babies heartbeat via doppler a few times.  I swear I'm starting to feel little flutters already this week as well, which is unreal & lovely all at once.  I'm also suddenly looking VERY pregnant, like 4-5 months (I'm 10.5 weeks).  I've heard people say you show about a month early with subsequent pregnancies, but sheesh!  My abs have forgotten their purpose, indeed.  Tell me fellow mommas - did you show way earlier with your second?  The photo below is me tonight - although I do sort of look as if I'm arching my back, & I've got the end of the day bloat (dang you progesterone!).  A morning shot wouldn't be so big.

Tonight, end of the day at 10 1/2 weeks, yikes!

We still haven't announced our pregnancy to the general public, which is getting harder with this new found baby bump.  We told our families at about 9 weeks with the picture in my first announcement post on here, which was hilarious and cute.  I think we'll wait until about 14+ weeks to make it official to work, facebook, etc - we'll be in Italy from 11.5-14 weeks so that'll help keep things hidden.

Naturally conceiving after infertility is funny.  You spend years cursing women who get pregnant easily (not really, but kind of), spend thousands of dollars to finally conceive, then worry about subsequent pregnancies after the first is over.  Remember this post?  Yeah, I wrote it the same week we conceived this little one (ha, ha!).  Infertility apparently didn't want to fight me this time - it was a quick & painless win on my behalf.  Was it my better diet, focusing on organic whole foods & healthy fats?  Perhaps.  Did I relax more?  You bet.  I'm so full of excitement, relief, and happiness at the win. But a part of me feels guilt at my sudden fertility.  I know quite a few people who are in deep with infertility right now, & my heart aches for them.  But they'll win at some point, too.  I know it.

We're due April 19, 2014.  Here's to a healthy 30 more weeks!

On #2

Posted on | July 21, 2013 | 2 Comments

It seems as if the question of the summer has been, "so when is baby #2 coming?"  Our good friends that had a baby the same week Hazel was born just had their 2nd last week, while other friends are planning more kids soon as well.

There's days where it seems like a good idea.  I loved every second of being pregnant.  I embraced everything, even the weight gain and round ligament pain.  It was a miracle, truly.  I also loved birth and look forward to experiencing that again.  I also feel as if having a sibling for Hazel is very important, and I know she'll be an amazing big sister.

Then there's days where it seems crazy.  I love giving my full attention to H, being able to pack up & go, to still take adventures just as a family of three.  I've finally got my old body back (sort of, haha), not to mention libido.  And sleep - oh dear sleep - I'm finally getting to know her again. Then there's the whole idea of convincing B...

Regardless of what we want, I keep forgetting that I don't have a say in this.

Infertility does.

I used to follow a blog of a infertile woman who underwent IVF twice and finally conceived, giving birth to a beautiful boy.  About a year later she wrote that she still considered herself an infertile.  I remember feeling angry at that - like it's some club only those of us currently in it can understand - and how dare a woman who has experienced pregnancy call herself infertile!

But I get it now.

The occasional annoyance I feel at women complaining about pregnancy or when they express silly vain fears of becoming pregnant is creeping up.  I think, please people - enjoy that fact your body can get pregnant - there are SO many lovely amazing families out there that would give anything for that chance.  Two of my friends underwent IVF in the last year, both of which failed.  My heart breaks every time I see them, I cannot imagine being in that place, in their shoes.  It's too heartbreaking to even think of.

Then there's the occasional jealously I feel at pregnancy announcements (something that used to bring me to tears circa 2009-2011).  There's a lot more joy I feel for them, too, now that I've experienced it.  But still, in the back of my mind I think 'my body can't do that.'  It's this failure you can never really get over.

My body did end up succeeding, but with a lot of help.  Once my body actually became pregnant, it loved pregnancy!  It's odd for me to think Hazel wouldn't be here if it wasn't for modern medicine (especially considering my non western medicine approach to many things in our lives).  Not a day goes by that I don't feel unmeassurable gratitude for those who helped us succeed in our dream of becoming parents.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.

But still, there's that looming not so good friend of mine called infertility.   I didn't miss her.  I tried not to think about her.  But she's back, albeit just a whisper at this point.  Perhaps we will be the supposedly common story of infertiles turned fertile, but I'm not holding my breath.  I just don't think she'll win when we finally decide to fight her again.

...

I hope to not offend anyone out there, whether or not your infertile or the cough-and-get-pregnant type.  If you're experiencing infertility please reach out - to me, to local support groups, to friends, family.  It is a silent disease, so many feel they have to stay hush hush about but staying silent only hurts more.  If you're the opposite of infertile - I don't want to imply that you take pregnancy for granted - I'm only suggesting to those of you who do tend to complain and/or dislike pregnancy that you try and simply appreciate the miracle your body has made, and be sensitive to those who may be silently hurting.  The one thing some complain about is what another couple would give anything for.

A biker saw my bum

Posted on | May 18, 2011 | 2 Comments

For your Wednesday pleasure, I will review the places my husband and/or I have been forced to give myself timed medicine (intra-muscular, ouch!) as of late:

• In my work dressing room, only to be walked in on
• I graduated to an on-call sleep room, much more private
• Pretty much every room in our house
• While I'm lying in bed, sleeping (how does one manage that?)
• In our car, in front of our favorite breakfast joint (there's a lot of bikers here)
• And just yesterday, in our endocrinologists parking lot, again in the car (this time a cop drove by slowly as I drew up the medicine)

It sounds kinky, right?  It isn't.

Feel free to go back to your life now. Just watch out next time you go to a hip breakfast joint, we very well could be there.

Bookends

Posted on | May 10, 2011 | 5 Comments

Hope is the thing with feathers

Posted on | April 16, 2011 | 4 Comments

On losing my OCD

Posted on | January 19, 2011 | 2 Comments

Lately I've been sleeping.  Sleeping a lot.  I try and convince myself that my body is taking advantage of it's childless years, but now I'm pretty sure that I'm just plain lazy. Every morning I set out a plan to run, but it's raining.  Or my tooth hurts.  Or I had a long night at work.  And let's not forget the fact that my sports bra is just a wee bit tight. There is always an excuse, indeed.

Our to the brim laundry basket handle broke the other day and all I did was cringe my brows, silently blaming it's faultiness on age.  Our beautiful hardwood floors have wafts of yellow hair on them and I simply take note.  Who needs to vacuum when an hour later I go to work, letting the shed cycle begin yet again?  It's vicious I tell you.  This laziness is not me.  My OCD mother = me.  So what gives?  I say it's mid-winter blues.  Or the ache of my missing husband on our opposite-shift work week.  Or perhaps my barren uterus.  But it can't be pure laziness, can it?

Ideas to fix this welcome below.

Ps: I think the real culprit to my incessant sleepiness is what I woke up to this morning (and promtly slept an hour longer):

Things not to say 101

Posted on | November 8, 2010 | 2 Comments

This morning we found out our third and final IUI failed.

& in response a pregnant coworker said "I know how you feel."

I came incredibly close to punching her.

Fin.

This never faltering cycle of mine

Posted on | October 8, 2010 | 1 Comment

Lately I've been breathing in the autumn air, filling my days with thoughts on decor and aromatic pumpkin treats.  I'm giving this whole autumn thing a chance.  I'm even having an 'autumn themed' housewarming party at the end of the month; very Martha Stewart if I do say so myself.

But you need to know one thing about autumn and I - we've never had a good relationship.  She's cold and wet, always bringing loss and reminders of what's to come.  Perhaps it's my days in Michigan that started this tedious relationship of ours.  But here I am, playing along.

Just call me Grace

Posted on | August 15, 2010 | 2 Comments

Okay God, it's time to talk.  Let's review my night. 

First I start spotting, 9 pm.  Nothing I didn't see coming but saddening nonetheless.

9:50 pm: I walk up our hardwood stairs to feed the begging mutts, I lose my footing and tumble down a flight of stairs, backwards and somehow landing in fetal position after doing a complete flip.  A very bloody knee and extremely bruised & sore back, I now have to go to work, 10:10 pm (because according to my contract, you can't call in sick unless it's three hours before your shift.  whateeeeever). 

02:00 am after limping around my unit all night, I get a new patient.  She delivers a beautiful baby, although she got her tubes tied years ago.  Hmph...  as I continue to spot.  And now I'm pretty sure a rib or two in my back is broken (since I've had broken ribs before - and this feels worse). 

So I'm just wondering after a bloody leg, broken rib, and a slap in the face - what gives?

I'd appreciate some feedback soon.

Sincerely,

April

Foretelling

Posted on | July 27, 2010 | 1 Comment

Don't you ever just want big news?

I think it's my turn.  And Emily's, too. 

That is all.

Conversations about sperm, ice cream, and werewolves

Posted on | July 1, 2010 | 1 Comment

It was a good day.

We met with our reproductive endocinologist, which I didn't realize is the best in Oregon. This lovely man talked with us for an hour and a half about us, options, paths, etc. Turns out he gives us an 8% chance of conceiving next month (according to statitics about "unexplained infertility" and IUI). I'm strangely comfortable with that - I think because it's a plan. Something we haven't had in two years. When we asked about donor sperm (not the plan, just asking) our feminine, pretty sure he's gay doc said "no way, not with those blue eyes Brad!" He also said something about seeing a bobcat coat in his future when he released a bobcat last year, complete with flamboyant hand gestures and giggles. I think I love the guy, even if his wedding ring confuses me.

After the appointment, B got his hair cut by a gal named 'Hah' while I ate two scoops of Ben & Jerrys on a waffle cone. Peanut butter chocolate and vanilla-mint may I add. I know you are jealous. My mom called while I was in mid-lick and promptly asked, "did he tell you to just relax?" I told her "shut up, I am relaxing while eating an ice cream cone." Too harsh?

Later B made teriyaki chicken and stir fry while we caught up on episodes of 'Weeds,' a fantabulous show. Then we ... well, I shouldn't blog about that. ;)

The evening ended by watching 'Eclipse' with my loverly and another couple. Can you believe it? I listened to the soundtrack on the way there, beaming like an excited teenager repeatedly asking "What part of the movie do you think this ones from? No I disagree. What about this one?" B walked in holding my hand, heading directly to the popcorn as I spiked our coke with rum (true teenage move there, right?). B didn't even get embarrassed when I threw out some hoots and hollers the first time the lovely Jacob had his shirt off (I had too - the audience were all adults, and strangely well behaved).

Someone had to misbehave today, right?

Exile

Posted on | May 12, 2010 | 5 Comments

You see, that taboo subject has found it's way back into my life.  You know what it is - the scarlet letter, the pink elephant, the 'hush hush' my coworkers whisper when I come around the corner; infertility. I'm wondering if it was the baby shower at work, where all the girls screamed "take her picture, April!"   A simple "I'm not a portrait photograher" wouldn't do.  But the fertiles don't get it, don't ya' know. 

For now I will simply breathe.

Pity party anyone?

Posted on | May 3, 2010 | 2 Comments

I digress. I could be sad that is it my birthday and I have only heard from an uncle who proceeded to tell me my mother is a biznitch.  He really didn't say that word, I'm just being nice.

Or could it be that I get to see B in passing, for a total of about ten minutes, on my birthday?

Did I mention it's my birthday?  Do I sound like a fourteen year old girl yet?  Oh just wait.

Always good for a storm

Posted on | February 2, 2010 | 1 Comment

Tabula Rasa

Posted on | January 27, 2010 | 3 Comments

The title of this post is latin for 'blank slate.'  I want to run down the streets bellowing this phrase while people lift an eyebrow in my direction, silently wondering where the crazy girl came from.  I'm starting a new chapter in my life and as you most definitely have noticed already, the new template only seemed fitting.  I may change the header photo (I've gone through half a dozen already) so tell me what you think.  C'mon, puuuhlease?  The current header was taken on the Oregon Coast at sunset in January.  The trees are peculiar & beautiful. 

Okay, back to my tabula rasa.  Lately I've been feeling this innate peace.  Through fall and early winter my mind was pure chaos, I was struggling beyond belief.  I think it was a conscious decision, this change of pace.  I've turned to mountain biking, jogging, and eating wiser; and my body is screaming "yes!"  I opened my eyes and saw what I have; this small but theoretical potential in life to change things, to help others. 

Here are things that have led to this self exploration:

• 'Food, Inc' - need I say more? It changed my life.
• The devastation in Haiti
• On that note, a possible trip to volunteer in Haiti with fellow nurses and midwives
• A  husband who writes love notes in my lunches
• Hiking, pure and simple
• Live music at a local hippy pub
• The realization that I will get pregnant when my child is ready to be conceived (crazy as it sounds)

I realize that I am this incessantly glass half empty person; that I will stumble back into the shadows on occasion.  But I will hope.  That's all people can do sometimes.

Fertility Advice

Posted on | December 12, 2009 | 2 Comments

Tonight my father-in-law thoughtfully stated, "look at that sign in the lower right hand corner," while we were waiting to be seated at a restaurant.  The sign read 'pregnancy and alcohol do not mix' with a cartoon pregnant belly, a breech baby inside.  My eyebrows furrowed & I lost my voice.  You see, B told his folks yesterday that we are trying to get pregnant.  I carefully added we have been trying since the wedding nearly sixteen months ago.  I figured they got the whole it's not happening, inferile thing.  Not that hard to figure out, right?

I just couldn't believe he would tell me, a god for saken labor and delivery nurse, that alcohol and pregnancy do not mix.  Really?  That is news to me - hah.  In fact, I am going to be one of those healthy, organic, natural labor type of pregnant ladies.  I will lather my growing belly daily with creams & avoid my daily coffee. I will love like I have never before. I wanted to scream that to the entire restaurant.

Yesterday my mom told me, "you need to start wearing baggy pants, that's the problem!"  I am so sick of pregnancy advice, people.

I proceeded to have a raspberry beer with my dinner tonight, in spite.  And maybe now I will have another?  Cheers!

My real star sign

Posted on | December 8, 2009 | 4 Comments

Yet another one

Posted on | November 24, 2009 | 2 Comments

Everytime someone I know gets pregnant, I just get incredibly pissed off. 

And I feel horrible about it; I didn't want to be this woman.

Negative

Posted on | November 2, 2009 | 4 Comments

Sick of waiting;
counting, and then
beginning again,
a cycle all too familiar.

I'm done,
done,
done.

Neener Neener

Posted on | October 19, 2009 | 1 Comment

From a great blog, http://www.natthefatrat.com

Hey all you pregnant people! GUESS WHAT.

I can eat all the sushi I want! Neener neener neener!

What's that? You can't ride roller coasters or go on a cruise? Guess what? I CAN!

I can also dye my hair, drink, take hot tubs, eat deli meat and soft cheeses, heck, I can go to an effing clam bake and eat all the raw oysters I can stuff in my gullet, so there! Ha ha!

There's more! I can eat soft serve ice cream, I can see my toes! I don't have to pee every second, I have a defined waist! What else... oh! No stretch marks here, baby! My boobs? Perfectly un-swollen and non-leaky! No tenderness there AT ALL! I sure do feel sorry for you! You AND your swollen feet, LA-DE-DAH!

WHO'S THE SUCKER NOW!?!

I'm not sad, I'm ANGRY. Like, I kind of have the urge to punch a car. A big car! Like a Hummer maybe. I'm not emotional or weepy, I'm balls-out PISSED. I'll take this grief, and I'll pummel it, into a million, tiny pieces, BAM BAM BAM.

THAT'S how I feel. You can take your babies, your kids, and your cute pregnant tummies, and you can SUCK IT.

THAT'S HOW I FEEL.