Water buffalo:
Posted on | January 14, 2012 | 6 Comments
“Remember this, for it is as true and true gets: Your body is not a lemon. You are not a machine. The Creator is not a careless mechanic. Human female bodies have the same potential to give birth well as aardvarks, lions, rhinoceri, elephants, moose, and water buffalo. Even if it has not been your habit throughout your life so far, I recommend that you learn to think positively about your body.”
― Ina May Gaskin, Ina May's Guide to Childbirth
― Ina May Gaskin, Ina May's Guide to Childbirth
I've been thinking a lot lately. Between working my final week at work and preparing for our babies beautiful birthday, I find my mind traveling back a year, two and even three, to our difficulty conceiving and the distrust I had in my body. I put so much energy into making life those years; pregnancy was this foreign concept, a club I never received the invite to. I yearned for this child's nightly hiccups and the sore ribs so many women complain about. And to tell you the truth - I've loved every minute of these 9+ months. I've embraced it so much that I can hardly believe in the next 2-3 weeks this child will be in my arms. Pregnancy surely goes fast for someone that spent years trying to achieve it.
So my conundrum is: I'm opening my mind and body to the idea of birth, I'm eager and excited to experience it and to especially meet this soul inside me. However there is still this voice, quiet as it is, in the back of my mind afraid to let pregnancy go. I find myself referring to the section in 'Ina May's Guide to Childbirth' about fear and holding back. I'm not afraid of the pain or the process of giving birth, but I'm simply sad that this chapter that took so long to make will abruptly end despite knowing the next chapter is exponentially more amazing. I'm fearful my body may never experience it again, again doubting my body. And I feel ridiculous and odd for experiencing these feelings. I fear that come the time to really birth this baby, my body could stall (referring back to Ina May's fear theory) as a direct result of my apprehension to give birth and trust that my body knows what it's doing.
So my question to other mommas out there - did you experience any trepidation about giving birth for the reasons stated above? If so, how did you conquer it and completely embrace birth? I am so ready to trust my body and meet this soul we made.
Comments
- April
- I am a RN & natural momma in the Pacific Northwest, married to a beautiful man I adore. Nature is my niche, animals get me. I read and I write, I hike and I love photography. Welcomed our daughter Hazel Annan earthside in February 2012 after three years of infertility & our second miracle daughter Juniper Louise in April 2014.
January 14, 2012 at 6:26 PM
Hi there :) ~ first of all, I have to say how much I love the quote at the beginning - it is one of my favorites from that book, which I read over and over in my pregnancies to reassure myself!. And I really resonate with everything you are saying. I think what you are feeling is really normal and OK, and I think I felt very much the same way.
I'm not sure if you knew this, but I had a really difficult time with fertility stuff before having my daughter - I had endometriosis, and then an ectopic pregnancy, all kinds of realy tough treatments, and I had close to zero trust of my body before my daughter was concieved. My mom was a DES daughter and I was born cesearean - I had no normal birth stories in my immediate family...so, even though I trained as a doula, took the birth classes, read the books, birth scared me. A lot. I really had a hard time trusting that I could do it at all. I was really scared that I'd have a cesearean like my mom.
I had always wanted to have babies. I adored being pregnant, every second of it, was just in love with it - but the thought that the baby was actually going to be born and come live with us didn't seem real to me! And it was really hard for me to imagine any positive outcomes for myself, really. I didn't think it was possible for me.
Preparing for birth...I was scared...maybe everyone is to some degree? I wasn't ready to let go, I think most women I know, even women who've had multiple homebirths, experience trepidation. Birth is such a major, life-changing event...my midwives said that "it would be weird it I wasn't feeling those big feelings - it's natural!"
With my second birth, I almost felt less prepared, because I was devoting so much energy to my daughter and not just in the total awe of the pregnancy like I was the first time. When I went into labor I just kept thinking "what? I have to have a baby? TODAY?! I'm not ready!"
I ended up having (to my surprise!) normal, natural births with both my children, the first in my living room and the second at our local freestanding birth center. When I was actually in the process of being in labor, especially with Eli, the power of it was so strong, any thought I was having seemed pretty puny in comparison, honestly! With Eli, I really just settled into it and went with it, pain and all, though my mind chattered on from time to time about 'how in the world am I going to do this?' In transition I told my midwife I had decided I'd rather go home and have the baby another day, please? But Birth was in charge. My monkey did it, as Ina May would say. :) And it was awesome. Life changing. I did it. And you can, and WILL, do it, too!
~much love, so many blessings to you and your family! Sorry to have rambled on so long!
January 14, 2012 at 7:10 PM
PS - OK, not to keep rambling, but just wanted to say one more thing... I think for me, it wasn't so much about conquering my fears as just holding and allowing them, understanding they had a place, while becoming aware that Birth, the process, even my body, were stronger.
...and reading Ina May always helped, too. :)
love, me :)
January 16, 2012 at 1:07 PM
Hello there, When I had my first daughter 15 years ago I was really scared of the birth. I had a natural birth and all was well, but gosh, I remember being so scared. When I had my second daughter, I meditated with each contraction....the midwife thought I was a weirdo..but really I let myself go into the pain knowing it would soon pass.
As for being afraid to let go of pregnancy, I know what you mean, but when you have your baby in your arms I can't imagine you will think about that, you will change with the process.
You will have no problem embracing the birth...I am sure of that, because you are so full of love for that little soul.
Blessings to you...all will be well.
January 17, 2012 at 3:51 AM
Congratulations on your pregnancy, its so inspiring to me to see that youve been through all the hard waiting of trying to get pregnant and your soon to meet your precious little girl! It helps me believe that one day it can happen for me too
January 18, 2012 at 12:07 AM
Thank you everyone for the uplifting, wonderful comments! I will write you each back individually for a personal thanks.. :)
January 19, 2012 at 7:27 PM
I remember some of those feelings very well. I remember having a little bit of fear that my body wouldn't know what to do or that I wouldn't be strong enough to endure. A small part of me was sad that it was almost over, that it would never be just Anson and I again, that I could never feel this baby's kicks again...
But when labor started, I didn't doubt myself, not even for a moment. I just took it one contraction at a time and tried my best to relax, to let my subconscious will this baby to Earth. It was tough, it was hard work, but I survived, and more than that, it was the single best experience of my life. The moment when my daughter was placed on my stomach, all warm and gooey, was literally the best moment of my life.
And even after I brought my baby home, I still felt a little bit of fear (I actually had a natural birth?!? She came out of me?!? How am I going to have a second child?!?), but it was so, so, so worth it and I felt invincible.
Then, there were the nights when I snuggled her close and cried because she would never be just mine again. Even as I write this, I cry (and I'm not a crier), because that part of our relationship is forever over. The funny thing is though, it's so much better having her on the outside... I guess motherhood is just crazy like that!
You will do wonderful. I can tell that you believe in yourself, so hold on to that. I can't wait to read your birth story!