Exile
Posted on | May 12, 2010 | 5 Comments
Like a poem poorly written, this is me.
A lonely Monday, driving home having the cry of a lifetime. You know, the type of sob where you entire body quivers while you dehydrate it beyond belief. It's the type of cry that I had when I was a child, where only a hug from your mother could do. It's exhausting but necessary. My dear b thinks I need a new career, friends, yada, yada, yada. He also gives one hell of a hug when my mom is not around.
You see, that taboo subject has found it's way back into my life. You know what it is - the scarlet letter, the pink elephant, the 'hush hush' my coworkers whisper when I come around the corner; infertility. I'm wondering if it was the baby shower at work, where all the girls screamed "take her picture, April!" A simple "I'm not a portrait photograher" wouldn't do. But the fertiles don't get it, don't ya' know.
My coworker & her beautiful belly, May '09
A couple hundred photos later my best (and only!) friend here then announced she is two weeks late for her dear aunt flo. And 'oops' pregnancy, if you may. Oh if you could have seen the estrogen raging in the room! I wanted to throw up. Instead of showing the world my partially digested insides I said a couple inappropriate things ... because I can.
I will forever be the girl picked last in gym class, and only my fellow lepers can understand the selfishness and self pity I am so ashamed of.
Comments
- April
- I am a RN & natural momma in the Pacific Northwest, married to a beautiful man I adore. Nature is my niche, animals get me. I read and I write, I hike and I love photography. Welcomed our daughter Hazel Annan earthside in February 2012 after three years of infertility & our second miracle daughter Juniper Louise in April 2014.
May 12, 2010 at 7:44 AM
i started ttc in jan. 2006 with no sucess. i have witnessed several oops pregnancies by close friends/family members. been asked countless times the dreaded question, when are you going to have kids. i started off being nice and saying well eventually. now i say well i've been trying for 4 years. that usually shuts them up. i hate being mean but enough is enough. i don't even go to baby showers anymore. i sends gifts. i can't handle them and have decided i'm doing what's best for me. love your blog by the way.
May 12, 2010 at 10:34 AM
breathe breathe breathe. oh my poor friend...you know i know how you feel. it may not be exactly the same. but i know. and that cry is so necessary. it seems to come from the deepest part of your soul. but the space that all of those tears took up will hopefully be filled with wisdom. and hope. (even just a teeny bit.) (and email me! you can always email me...you are not alone, i promise) since my clomid hasn't kicked back in and made me crazy yet, i am feeling so much like myself these days. and i'm trying to focus on all that i've learned about myself, my husband, our marriage...things i wouldn't have learned had we not been going through this. our babies are out there. i know this through and through. your baby is out there. don't worry, my friend.
hugs hugs hugs hugs,
em
May 13, 2010 at 1:18 AM
Em, thanks so much for your kind words and understanding. You will have to check your email because I took you up on that offer! :)
Stephanie - I'm so sorry you have been TTC for so long. I have often thought about just saying "I have been trying for 2 years" when people ask. Unfortunately those people are usually my patients (I work labor and delivery), so I don't want to offend them right after birth. I soon will I'm sure lol. Do you have a blog? I would love to read more about you. Hang in there <3 Thank you for reading. :)
May 13, 2010 at 2:08 AM
I started ttc last year August. At this stage I am struggling with very long cycles, can't pinpoint anything! I have also been feeling so down lately. 12, yes 12 of my friends are pregnant, 3 of them are not even married! It makes me feel so frustrated :(
Yay, another blog to follow! :) Come visit my blog at http://pixiedusties.blogspot.com
May 13, 2010 at 4:33 PM
i love you dear friend and know that someday you will be blessed with a beautiful child (the only child i will ever like, haha) and the reason i know this is because you are the most giving, kind person i know. and you will get what you deserve. you know that i believe in karma... and you have done so much good in your life. it will happen (have faith) ... i know that's probably hard for you to do most days so i will have faith for you.
p.s. someday soon we will live close to each other again and i will be your new (old) friend :)