A story about fertility

Posted on | September 23, 2013 | 4 Comments

It all started with a feeling.  I was driving home from work one afternoon & I felt like I needed to buy a pregnancy test. I was due to start my period any day, but my usual spotting before period was nowhere to be seen.  I briefly thought perhaps I was pregnant, but my old friend infertility said "hah - like that's possible!"  I still bought a test, and a dressed too young old lady with a smokers cough announced to all of Walgreens that I was pregnant.  No joke.  Really, not joking.

I got home and B's dad had just arrived from Washington.  I briefly said hello and ran upstairs to empty my mid-afternoon diluted bladder.  I convinced myself to take the test, if only to ease my mind about drinking at the winery we were planning on visiting the next day.  I saw the faintest + sign, and truly thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.  I then panicked a bit about when to tell B, considering his dad was downstairs and they were going fishing.

Later that afternoon B's dad must've been unpacking, so I took advantage of the situation and had Hazel run over to him with the test.  I was worried he'd be panicked re how close in age they'll be, but instead he just smiled and beamed.  I'll never forget that smile & his excitement.

The next day the line was darker, and it continued to get darker all week.  I probably took a half dozen tests over the course of 2-3 weeks, in complete disbelief dear B and I could naturally procreate.  The early weeks were pretty easy - very mild nausea, hunger like you would't believe, exhausted, but otherwise very similar to my first trimester with Hazel (easy!).

Already showing her thoughts on being a 'bis sis'

Then week 8 hit, and this cloud of anxiety hit me.  I suddenly thought I wasn't pregnant, doubting my bodies ability to harbor this child.  Our first pregnancy was constantly ultrasounds, lab work, and reassurance.  This time I had no proof, other than a + test (or 6...).  My midwife appointment wasn't for another two weeks, which seemed like an eternity.  One night at about 8.5 weeks the midwife that delivered Hazel texted me to ask how I was feeling.  I opened up and told her I was feeling anxious, doubtful, and slightly less symptoms as of late.  She told me to come in to the birth center the next day, and we'd check things out if only to ease my mind.

The next day, 9/10/13, I saw our little sprout on ultrasound.  We saw a flickering heartbeat, and a wiggling little body.  I'm a bit embarrassed in hindsight that I needed such reassurance, but I am who I am.  Struggling through infertility, and a previous loss of twins at 8 weeks, it does something to you.


We've since had our first official midwife appointment, and I've also heard babies heartbeat via doppler a few times.  I swear I'm starting to feel little flutters already this week as well, which is unreal & lovely all at once.  I'm also suddenly looking VERY pregnant, like 4-5 months (I'm 10.5 weeks).  I've heard people say you show about a month early with subsequent pregnancies, but sheesh!  My abs have forgotten their purpose, indeed.  Tell me fellow mommas - did you show way earlier with your second?  The photo below is me tonight - although I do sort of look as if I'm arching my back, & I've got the end of the day bloat (dang you progesterone!).  A morning shot wouldn't be so big.

Tonight, end of the day at 10 1/2 weeks, yikes!

We still haven't announced our pregnancy to the general public, which is getting harder with this new found baby bump.  We told our families at about 9 weeks with the picture in my first announcement post on here, which was hilarious and cute.  I think we'll wait until about 14+ weeks to make it official to work, facebook, etc - we'll be in Italy from 11.5-14 weeks so that'll help keep things hidden.

Naturally conceiving after infertility is funny.  You spend years cursing women who get pregnant easily (not really, but kind of), spend thousands of dollars to finally conceive, then worry about subsequent pregnancies after the first is over.  Remember this post?  Yeah, I wrote it the same week we conceived this little one (ha, ha!).  Infertility apparently didn't want to fight me this time - it was a quick & painless win on my behalf.  Was it my better diet, focusing on organic whole foods & healthy fats?  Perhaps.  Did I relax more?  You bet.  I'm so full of excitement, relief, and happiness at the win. But a part of me feels guilt at my sudden fertility.  I know quite a few people who are in deep with infertility right now, & my heart aches for them.  But they'll win at some point, too.  I know it.

We're due April 19, 2014.  Here's to a healthy 30 more weeks!

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