Unconditional parenting

Posted on | January 15, 2013 | 3 Comments

I recently finished the book 'Unconditional Parenting' by Alfie Kohn and I highly recommend it for anyone interested in attachment parenting and/or gentle discipline. I've been looking for a good book about parenting but couldn't quite find anything that felt right, but this book did the trick. Basically it discusses the negative impact of modern parenting techniques like harsh punishments, time outs, rewards, and even praise. It explains the importance of loving and being there for your child unconditionally (aka even if they fall short or disappoint), and fostering your child's creativity, independence, and respecting their opinion (yes, even if it's different than yours!). Below are a few quotes that stuck me:

"Actually, children are plenty frustrated, in large part because their points of view aren’t taken seriously. Parents who seem oblivious to how their children are annoying strangers and getting into mischief are often equally oblivious to their children’s needs. That’s an argument not for more discipline, but for grown-ups to spend more time with kids, to give them more guidance, and to treat them with more respect."

"I realized that [not being a pain to the adults] is what many people in our society seem to want most from children: not that they are caring or creative or curious, but simply that they are well behaved. A "good" child -- from infancy to adolescence -- is one who isn't too much trouble for grown-ups."

"In short, with each of the thousand-and-one problems that present themselves in family life, our choice is between controlling and teaching, between creating an atmosphere of distrust and one of trust, between setting an example of power and helping children learn responsibility, between quick-fix parenting and the kind that's focused on long-term goals."

A fellow natural momma and blogger Abby also wrote about the book here, and I just love her list of how she perceives the basic principles of the book (a must read!).

In addition to helping me explore how I want to raise my child, this book also helped me reflect on my and my husbands upbringings (the good and the bad) and how they've affected us as adults, parents, and even partners in a marriage. There were chapters on on seeing from the others point of view, r-e-s-p-e-c-t, being authentic, and putting the relationship first - I found that this not only applied to raising a child but maintaining any healthy relationship!

I'm eager to continue on this journey and already practicing some of the skills on my ever so mobile and kooky H. In the meantime I'm eager to read more! Do you have any parenting books you love?

Ps: Thank you for all of the sweet words in regards Haley's passing. Every single comment meant so much to us!

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3 Responses to “ Unconditional parenting ”

Mama Sunflower
January 16, 2013 at 10:22 AM

Hi April,
I've never commented on your blog before, but I think I found it from Wooly Moss Roots and I enjoy reading about you and Hazel. Thank you for the book recommendation. It definitely sounds like a book for me to read! One of my favorite parenting books is "Simplicity Parenting" by Kim John Payne. It definitely gives me a lot to think about!
~Amy in Washington
Taryn Kae Wilson
January 22, 2013 at 12:41 PM

Thanks for the suggestion. I'd like to read this!
Anonymous
January 22, 2013 at 7:37 PM

Thanks for linking to my blog with this post! I LOVED this book. Really hit home for me. I heard that the book called "Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves" by Naomi Aldorf is a great complement to Kohn's book and helps put some of Kohn's ideas into practice.

Lovely Little Trees

an aesthetic voyager drawn to the wild, my sweet family along for the ride

Unconditional parenting

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