Me

Posted on | November 5, 2009 | 1 Comment

Here I am. Well, here I was on a fall day in 2006, snapping photos with my cat. I guess I have gone here because I'm trying to find myself, that girl I once was & still am; never have I understood her.

Because this is me today - I get off work at 8 am, see the sun for twenty, maybe thirty minutes and sleep until sunset. I'm craving Vitamin D like an addict craves crack, cocaine, heroine or what have you. Anyways I'm feeling really fucking lost. Damn daylight savings, you make night shift hell.

But it's not about the night shift, really. It's about this standstill. I am this girl, err.. woman, always wanting what's next. That is me. Things will be better when I grow up, find a man, move out of this god-for-saking-town, graduate college, get married, have a baby. Next, next, next, never now. I can't seem to remember actually enjoying any of these feats because my mind had turned the page. What. the. fuck.

Okay so maybe I'm cussing a little today, I'm really not a cusser (well, not a bad one). But here it is - I'm in the dark. I'm feeling lower than low lately, the past month since my mother visited. I wake up, I work, I sleep, & I argue. I argue a lot. I'm constantly anxious; last night I screamed at my dogs just because they slept in my bed (on my defense they do have fleas, and it's nasty to sleap with fleas). But I screamed, & I mean loud. I then proceeded to cry myself to sleep. Why? Well, amongst my myriad of reasons I haven't fully decided yet. Blaming depression seems too easy.

This, I swear, is the only man or thing that understands me. And it is offically why I am a basketcase.