Trying

Posted on | August 3, 2008 | No Comments

I am AC. A liberal woman with ideals and ideas, dreams and opinionated theories that will never change. I can hike for miles, smile and breathe with the scent of weeds and dandelions in the breeze. Animals get me, most people do not. I could live in a song, dance on a half note and decide to change the beat while I sleep. I have recently moved across country and most close to me disapprove. But I am this floater, a woman with this hunger for nonconformity, new miles to trek and novel pictures to take. I will make a difference.

I tried to be one with my body. And maybe I am too young, too irrational to try; but I can tell you that I have more knowledge and I am mentally and physically equipped for this. It is this ache, or perhaps a fear, that is propelling me. It will come when It comes, they say. I am in silence.

I witnessed a fetal demise, a 23 weeker, last Thursday. It looked like a doll. Its eyes and fingers/toes were fused however it resembled a small person (1 lb 2 oz to be exact). I gave it a bath, footprints, pictures, and came up with a box full of keepsakes for the parents, then brought it wrapped in two blankets to the lab refrigerator. The most surprising part of the night was I did not cry - not once. It is not like me for my eyes to stay dry. You do what you have to do, I suppose.

I am ready for my bed.

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